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|Friday, July 10th, 2009|
|Not going to the loony bin
For a while I thought I belonged in a loony bin. Many shrinks have told me that I will probably never be able to function in society as a normal person. Ive been told Ill probably never be able to hold a job or a relationship for more than half a year. The longest I have ever held a job was about 8 months, longest Ive held a relationship was about 4 months.
That dream I had the other day really spoke to me. I dont feel like I belong in a loony bin anymore. I dont want to be doped up, shocked, strapped down and whatnot. Sometimes I wish I had someone to tell me what to do, watch over me and care for me. Lately Im realizing I have a very dominant side too. It was something I never looked at before. I used to be completely submissive in sexual fantasies but now I am having very dominant fantasies which involve me being in total control.
I feel the real world is completely overwhelming. The fact that there arent any real parameters always throws me off. Ive seen some pretty strange stuff in my lifetime. Even the fact that Ive made it to 23 shows that Im a survivor. In the grand scheme of things, of all of the beings that have existed past present and future a relatively small percentage makes it to the age I am.
I often want to be restrained, I often want to feel useless and I often want to be taken care of. At other times I am completely defiant and even fiercely independent. Ill always be a bit of a loner. Ill always love myself and no one can take that love away. To be so dependent on someone that the absence of their love can kill you is to be completely controlled. I will never be that restrained. Ive learned that my love is the only love that counts and the only love I can control. If no one else ever loved me atleast Id die knowing that I loved myself.
|Thursday, July 9th, 2009|
You had just turned 18. We were about to travel together. I feel that if I hadnt stalled, if I hadnt wanted to leave later and we had hit the road you would have still been alive. Damnit, I love you man!
No one else is allowed to die. Ive lost 7 friends in the past 3 years. Fuck!
I cant even bring myself to eat right now. Current Mood: shocked
|Wednesday, July 8th, 2009|
|Dream that played out like a movie
In the opening scene my friend Kyle and I were getting lectured by our boss. We worked at a store called "MegaMart" inside of some giant mall complex. It was your basic department store. We were security guards. I forgot my badge and shirt so I was getting chewed out for it. the boss gave me a weapon to apprehend people with. He told us that things were getting past us and if we didnt catch anyone today we'd get fired. We walked around talking and then split up after the boss told us to "get to work".
I saw a guy stuff some clothes into his hoodie so I came up to him and told him he was coming with me. He reluctantly obliged when he saw my weapon. I took him to the window of the head guard and the guy says "ah got another one?" I felt bad for the guy, he was a longhaired, bearded outcast guy like me and I saw myself in him. I told him I really didnt want to bust him but I would get fired if I didnt. I still wasnt sure whether I wanted to turn him in or not since he seemed like the type of guy who woulda been my friend otherwise. I even thought of my own shoplifting past and what I woulda thunk of a douchebag who caught me. I thought about how much I hated the capitalistic system and how this guy seemed like "family" one of the ones I wouldve lived communally with had I not needed money. Afterwards I felt so miserable about the whole thing that I quit my job.
I left the store and wandered around for a while. Eventually I ended up in the basement area and walked across a rusty catwalk up some stairs towards a door. It was a very poorly run asylum. There were mentally ill and mentally disabled people wearing robes who looked like they had been abused horribly. Most had bruises and scars, some with limbs hacked off or had been subjected to horrid medical experiments. The head nurse lady when i walked up told me to "get back in there". I could hear bonesaws going on in the background. I say "No way! i work at the megamart!" She laughed at me and said "then wears your badge and uniform?" "BRUNO!! Get him in there!!". A large mentally disabled bald man in a blue robe with a bonesaw in his hand comes towards me and Im thinking "ah HELL NO!!!". I stalled the head nurse and the automaton with smalltalk. When they were looking away I took off running with an escaped inmate. He was a skinny little guy, about my build, short hair and kinda manic. We got to a door, with a hall between and another door. Behind the other door was something that looked like an Alien from Alien. I went through the first door but not the second and the other guy chickened out. We were running through parts of what looked like a refinery. I ran up stairs, downstairs, across catwalks until I got into what looked like a child's nursery. They had animal cages though. I met a creepy guy in this area who hit on me. I ran through until I got back into the main parts of the building complex. I went up a few levels to what looked like hotel rooms or offices.
I went into one room where there were some Hare Krishna books and I flipped through them to comfort me a little. There was a friendly dark haired lady in the room who gave me food. One of the books had a note to me in it which told me to take the elevator. At this point I knew I was dreaming, knew it was a scary dream, but knew I could turn it around. I thought about how I always feared elevators in dreams because I could never trust them like real life elevators. I get in this obvious deathtrap. I push the door close button but there are no other buttons besides "1" and Im already on "1". The elevator starts moving, picking up speed as if to squash me. There is a big guy in the elevator with me, I had met him in the krishna room, real cool guy. All throughout the dream people made reference to the "boss" of this conglomerate building thing. I reckoned we were going straight to his office. That was okay, I had a bone to pick with him. The elevator flattened us, went sideways, horizontal, we were smacking all over all the walls. Finally it stopped and we both flew in the air and hit the floor. The door opened.
I walked out into what looked like a TRASHED room. There were bottles, food wrappers, trash all over the floor. Papers all over the ground. It looked abandoned. It was luxurious otherwise, with desks, chandeliers, fancy chairs and computers. After looking around for "the boss" we realized there WAS NO boss. He was either made up or no one realized he split and they followed outdated orders or the board made him/them up. I hatched a plan. I would be the boss. When the guards came up looking for us I would tell them I was the boss. I changed into a fancy suit. I would tell them that the big guy was my assistant. I would tell him to speak for me and he would tell them to speak to him for me. Only he would speak to me. I gave him an Uzi. The guards showed up in their swat gear and I told them what I had thought. They believed me as I had made it believable and made sure to hold no doubt in my mind. I WAS the boss.
They lowered their guns and asked if there was anything I needed. I told them I was throwing a party, to get some girls, booze, etc. Obviously the previous boss was a partyer judging by the looks of the place. I new the charade would only last so long though. I had a gorgeous girl hanging on both sides of me and I was making out with both of them.
When I went for a walk to find a pisser I looked over the railing to see the floor below (obviously where the board was) I saw a secretary carrying a folder and freaked. I knew they knew there was know boss but I didnt know whether or not the secretary knew and I was afraid she would narc on me. I was afraid guys in mech suits would come up and terminate me. I partied for a little bit and then the room started to flood with water. All the guards, girls, partyers, etc crammed into one elevator and left without me. I saw another elevator. The dark haired lady and the big guy from before were in it, trying to hold the door open for me but it wasnt holding and water was flowing into the elevator. I pried the door open from the outside and hopped in. I thought "this is it, Im out of this place, I need some fresh air".
I went down to an indoor rail platform after the elevator stopped and hopped on the first train which doors opened. I got back to my room (it was all brushed metal, sliding doors, very futuristic. Outside one cold window I could see outer space. No wonder there was no nature. I was onboard a space station. Current Mood: bored
|Tuesday, July 7th, 2009|
Since Ive last posted in here I went to Hawaii and back. I did some volunteer work out there cleaning up the southern beach of the big island. All the trash blows in there from Asia and the place was a disaster. We worked hard everyday and partied hard every night. For a little while I worked on a farm out there too, but the beach had free camping and I liked the group there better. Id love to move to Hawaii if I didnt have to quarantine my dog.
After that I spent some time backpacking in Peru. I saw the Nazca lines and met some wonderful local Shaman. Im convinced the most beautiful women in the world live in Peru. They were very friendly too, I think I got hit on so much because I looked unique, but perhaps they just thought I was a wealthy foreigner.
I spent a couple of months back here in Indiana after that doing consulting work and designing a few websites. Thats all boring which goes without saying.
After that I spontaneously decided to hop on Grateful Dead tour. That proved to be a blast but I wont get into the details. If youve ever been on tour you know how it goes. Current Mood: high
|Tuesday, January 20th, 2009|
|An alternative look at metaphysics, quantumphysics and astrophysics
Many groundbreaking theories were founded by those who fought convention and thought outside the box.
Ive heald this theory for quite some time. If youve ever heard the theories about aether realms and higher realms which the supersoul resides in this is sort of like that, but much different.
The Multiverse is a serious of bubbles, each one encompassing a universe and the bubbles of goo exist on top of eachother and extend infinitely.
Universal Consruction: If you take the mean of all the solids, gasses and liquids in the universe and take into account the orbits of planets around suns, suns around galaxies and galaxies around the universe, and zoom out enough so you are looking at it as a whole it would make perfect sense that it is a mass of viscous goo. Science has found that hundreds of Terrabytes of information can be stored in liquid harddrives. This must be supercooled in a vacuum. Space is a supercooled vacuum. Would it not make sense that this is the storage media of the universe?
By this logic it would make sense that we never left the primordial ooze.
Solar Construction: The goal of any universe is to create the same ball of clay over and over again to realize an infinite possibillities. If you had an infinite amount of monkey typeing on an infinite amount of typerwriters one of them will write the complete story of Star Wars. Takeing that same logic, if you create an infinite amount of planets and universes...well...somewhere Star Wars really exists(ed).
Back to the matter at hand, the same ball of clay is being created over and over again.
Planets spiral in TOWARDS their sun. It isa factory of sorts. Everytime a planet crashes into the sun it generates enough charge that the sun grows to it's next stage. From a red dwarf to a white giant and so on. When the sun reaches the next stage it melts the ice on the next planet in line and that planet is now in the life belt.
Mercury was once like Venus before it got so close that it went through all of it's changes. Venus was once like Earth, before it moved so close it went through all of it's changes. Earth once was a Mars, Mars once was a Jupiter(before the crust mass over the giant gas ball baked down) and so fourth!
Planets attach themselves to the end of these spirals when they travel along the spirals of universal construction and fall into one. There is a point at the end of each solar system where the spiral turns against itself and forms a symbol of sacred geometry.
Planets and Suns both come about from the same place. After a sun has taken in so many planets that it becomes a Super Nova it turns into a black hole. These blackholes are the point at which all spirals go against eachother. Think of it as a doughnut, and the spirals are the inside of the doughnut, the hole in the center is the black hole. Once the blackhole has taken in enough matter it goes from a negative to a positive and becomes one of those balls of clay.
IF it doesnt get carried away by one of the myriad spirals that happens to be stronger than all the rest it will stay in its location(this is more rare than the first option). If it stays in place it will keep accumulating matter and gas until it becomes a sun, builds a spiral that runs horizontally in que with all the vertical spirals of the doughnut and starts to accumulate its own planets.
This cycle is ever perpetuating and will never end. These are merely the rules of the physical realm though.
The realm outside the physical: The Super Soul, God, the Cosmic Consciousness, and the aether realm are all the same thing. There is a sort of "tank" of high viscosity goo that our consciousness exist in. It is a tank because, like the computer reference I made earlier it must be vacuum sealed and supercooled.
If you are a believer in the Jungian psycological model you will know that we exist as seperate fingers on the same hand, we are all a part of the same consciousnss. We cant see the top of the hand, we can only see the other fingers because the top of the hand exists outside of our physical realm. It is that tank of viscous goo.
There are "key words" and activities which serve to open the valves and release more of it into ourselves, giving us the illusion of a connection to a "super soul" and even an image of a sparkling Openning these valves gives us endorphins and dopamine. Things like petting a dog and adoring the puppy. Things like sex. Things like jokes. It is really pointless to get bent out of shape over much of anything! We can affect the universe by tapping into this.
The foam at the top of the tank of goo s where all bliss is stored...a rapid intake of the goo will give us this foam and we will achieve light body. Religions use key words and codeing inherant in their scriptures as means to open the tap and bring the vessel(mortal) closer to enlightenment.
When Does consciousness end? It doesnt. Consciousness is being recycled all the time in an infinite loop. If you really think about it...any possible thing that you will experience after death is going to be so strange, so out there, so disconnected from what this was and so different that it must be VERY similar. Your consciousenss has been completely severed off so naturally a new one will make itself clear to whatever befuddled mass of chi/prana/lifeforce/orgone was left of you. All youve done is been transferred to another bubble of the multiverse. Saints, Transcendentals and the Enlightened will leave their mark upon the place they left becomeing names always spoken and memories never dead. They are those whove "beaten the game" and left their high score. Their reward is they get to exist outside of space and time and manipulate it.
Free will is only an illusion. All that is not illusion is the current, the chi, the prana, the lifeforce. These are the ripples and bubbles in the goo. If you tune yourself into it through heavy meditation you can become more sensitive to them, sense them, bend them, mold them, but in the end you arent the one who chose to do it...no one did...you are merely a part of it which was lucky enough to recieve the foam at the top of the tank.
What does the viscous goo exist for? Why do we have to endure this pain and pleasure and endless drama? The goo exists to feed larvae. You cant grow larvae outside of space and time so the beings of pure light which I will refer to as "architects" created this goo to feed them. Inside each bubble you have space, time and rules of science. The larvae feed off the space and time to get older and eventually turn into something we cant quite comphrehend. Perhaps this exists on a smaller scale too and we could be snuffed out in an instance by a misplaced shoe, perhaps though, and Ive got a strong feeling about this, the goo posesses so much elasticity and viscosity that it is indestructable. It will only rebuild itself and mend itself over time.
There are many ways to open the valve and let light energy in. No way is inherantly better than the others as they all accomplish the same thing. Current Mood: rejuvenated
|Sunday, May 4th, 2008|
|About my belief system
I consider myself a shamanic pagan taoist. I believe strongly in karma, I also believe in reincarnation, and the fact that you can reach a nirvana/heaven if you reach enlightenment/sainthood, otherwise you just get reincarnated again because of earthly attachments. I believe this world is a beta test upon which your next life will be constructed. I also believe that the earth is spiraling towards the sun over a course of eons. Once it moves close enough all the water will evaporate and it will turn into a venus like place, then it will turn into a mercury like place when it gets closer and finally it will spiral into the sun. If you NEVER overcome your earthly attachments you will become as a ghost and become trapped on this rock until it spirals into the hell that is the inferno of the sun. At the point where all these celestial spirals collide are the black holes, and once they take in enough matter they become suns or planets depending on their situation, ones that travel along the spirals will attach to the ends of solar systems, ones that stay there will become their own solar systems. The creators basically decided "hey lets create the same ball of clay over and over to see how many outcomes there are" BASICALLY everythi you can possibly fathom as happening HAS HAPPENED AND IS HAPPENING, somewhere in the infinite universe, kinda like the if you have an infinite amount of chimps on infinite typerwriters one will write a shakespear play. This means that every fiction work or thought or dream you have is absolutely real. There is a certain race of what we call "aliens" or "angels" that are the brotherhood of light, they made jump points on every planet,that you can even find on mars and the moon in the form of pyramids(similar to the egyptian ones). Their vessels are built like gyroscopic discs that travel along these spirals and through blackholes to reach anypoint in the universe. They are beings of pure light. TO be ascended is to be taken up by one of them.
There is a cosmic consciousness, a universal subconscious that links us all. WE are all like different fingers on the same hand. Carl Jung was one of the pioneers who wrote about it. Basically through intense meditation we can tap to all the wisdom of the universe, past present and future alike. With every choice we make we are shifted into another dimension and another may be created. Energy may be created and destroyed all the time.
To reach heaven is to be born again outside the reach of space and time.
Space and time were created to grow larvae, because you cant grow larvae outside of space and time.
Also if you add up all the universe, solid, liquid, gas and take into account the gravity of the cosmos, and justhe way things spiral against eachother ITS ALL VISCOUS GOO. This goo is food for the larvae, if we move with the goo we can do anything, following its current, its flow, its tao, its chi, whatever you call it. Tai-chi is the pushing and pulling of this goo.
All sound is just bubbling in that viscous goo. WE NEVER LEFT THE PRIMORDIAL OOZE. We are tiny bits of carbon, we ARE pollution, we are the creators toxic waste -and- drug of choice. There is in the end no truly good nor bad, though where we go is dependant on it, neither wins really in the end, its a delicate balance. THe whole setup was created for life to happen in many places concurrently. Once you get past all the illusions, forced delusions, brainwashing, etc, you finally get clued into what all the prophets were talking about. There truely is an unstoppable flow and to go against it is surely death. Do what thou wilt.
There also exists an aetherrealm where our supersoul lives. WE can take on our supersoul at anytime and that is when we get linked to all the knowledge of the universe and its various dimensions past present and future.
People call the collective unconsciousness "god" because collective cosmic consciousness seems too cold and impersonal.
I think we should strive for enlightenment/saintlihood (which we will reach if our soul is complete); however, if we cant obtain that(and have an incomplete soul, needing another half) we should seek true love. Should we find enlightenment/sainthood we will reach the nirvana/heaven; however, should we find true love we shall become a complete soul in the next life and then be capable of reaching the enlightenment level.
In all things strive for goodness.
Once you find personal truth you cant go back to being a sheep of blind faith, no matter how hard you try or pretend. You can still be a shepherd of the blind though, and if you really strive you can be one to spread the light and one to allow others to see. Current Mood: good
|Sunday, April 27th, 2008|
I am sad for my love has left me. She is with me no more. I am now the lone sorcerer in my tower; reading from my tombs and refining the art of alchemy. My life has frozen in solid motion and I may not move on until I do "something". I have been heald captive by Sekhmet. Ive lost touch with Maya.
Those listmakers plan for my demise.
Those listless angers raise up in my enemies eyes.
Free from desire now I may be.
Whoever is lost must pay the fee.
Where fools go to wander may true light see.
Where drulls go to plunder may lusts fly free.
I cant find it
who would ask for help?
Why must the goddess turn her back on me? She had given me her blessing only a few moments prior. Perhaps she is out of phase. She is like the moon, not always visible. She is like the seas, not always favorable.
She is like me. She is a f[l]ake.
A phony a fraud and a phage.
A sorcerer a witch and a sage.
Where do hearts go to beat free anymore?
Whose got time for me; am I a whore?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
WHo do you see when you look in here?
I cant hear my mind because its been silenced
cursed by the ages and taunted by the wanters
|Monday, May 28th, 2007|
|Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007|
Dont ya hate it when you try your hardest to forget somebody, and they keep coming back into your life, seemingly at random? Look for me to post more soon.
|Saturday, September 30th, 2006|
aright, Im finally done with this thing....peace out
|Friday, September 22nd, 2006|
Advice from me to you,
Of things never to do:
Do not drink and drive.
Do not work at a corporate burger joint.
Do not tell the shrink about the voices.
Do not take anything too personally
Do not drink an open beer found in a public bathroom
Do not seek professional help when you can easlier help yourself
Do not fake anything; as it will screw you in the end
Do not trust those paid to persuade
Do not eat fish from indiana
Do not worship other humans
Do not buy what you can find cheaper elsewhere
Do not take sides
DO not do things that result in bad karma
Do not lie/cheat/steal , no matter how tempting
Do not "raw-dog" it when you can wrap it up
Do not sell what you can trade for something better
|Thursday, September 21st, 2006|
Im so excited about starting this new job.
Even if I dont get this new job; my manager at my old job said he would promote me to a manager/shift coordinator position.
So it looks like things will go in my favor either way it goes.
Im finally able to make more money than I can spend.
Made about 60 in tips today, which is waaaay out of the ordinairy for a thursday.
I think that wealth only comes our way when we stop caring about it, and just apply for a job wherever is clever and work our asses off.
Ive got a friend who has a bit of the "nelson" syndrom.
the "nelson syndrom" named after my father's friend, whom;
spent about 20 years in college
and would never take a job at any old place, because he felt it was below him, and was too old for any company to want to take him in, so he is still unemployed.
Ive got a friend who seems to be holding out for something that will pay well, and while it may seem wise, he is unable to pay the bills.
the moral of this story is; get over it; get something in the mean time until you find something better.
this may seem to go against the statement I made earlier about good things come to those who wait, then again, perhaps good things are coming to me because I waited.
I dont know, but I am at ease as of now; and deffinatley looking forward to my upcoming pay increase, however whichway it goes.
Also Im trading an electric guitar with some vending machines; Im gonna ask my boss if I can put them in the store's entry way in return for giving him part of my profits.
If there is one kind of person that bothers me above all the rest....its the impatient.
Especially when you work in the food biz.
The kind of people who think 5 minutes is too long to wait for a pizza; when it probably took them this as long to get there, and if they made it themselves itd take them half an hour or more. If its not already made, sometimes they just leave, so that would take them even longer to get food, and it just doesnt really compute to me.
I know some people want us foodbiz people to hurry, as theyve got such short breaktimes at work; but Ive been on break at work, driven all the way down to 86th past michighan, gone to get a burrito or something, but Im never shouting at the people to hurry up, because I know they were probably swamped enough during lunch hour.
Or friends who call you over and over if you dont stop by within 5 minutes of being there.
Or girls who wont go out with you if you take a little too much time to get to know them before making that commitment; because they want the first thing that they can get.
the first thing you can get is never the best thing you can get; ive learned that the hard way.
this is true of all things
whether it be;
I think Im more patient than most people, the kind of person who can wait around all day for something if need be.
Id like to meet more patient people then the ones I know now.
Fuck, I could go to mcdonalds drivethru and make myself fat; but luckily Im patient enough to cook my own decent food right here, and if I fuck something up, I try again.
good things come to those who wait
and thats why Im not out sticking my dick in any hole I can find
thats why I didnt trade my truck for the first thing I was offered
people can become;
agitated, arguementative, activist, actor, active, angry, adopted, addicted, amish, abstinant, aethiest, agnostic, anti-social, anorexic, artistic, attractive, anti-(insert word here)
beer-filled, brain-washed, bipolar, buddhist, bearded, biker, beligerent, bullemic, bold, bad, boyfriend, bisexual, benevolent, bona fide, balanced, bipolar
capable, cute, cannibal, crippled, candidate, cult-leader, chef, communist, carnal, carnivore, cancerous, christian, celebate, cold, clean, careless, careful, calculating, crack head
dead-inside, deadly, drifter, demonic, deep, drained, drunk, daft, dead, druggie, different, dirty, diseased, dreadlocked, delinquint, doctor, dentist, drug dealer, depressed
enticing, eclectic, eccentric, educated, employed, elligible, esoteric, eternal, extroverted, empty
fickle(which Im provin here), fond, feminist, funky, farcical, freemason, filthy, famous, fake, fat, fugly, forelorn, foreign, full, foolish, fancy
godhead, giggly, greedy, goofy, grunge, godly, galliant, gun-toting, guarded, guilty, gay, good, gothic, girlfriend
honest, hair-dyed, hat-headed, heretic, hideous, headstrong, high-strung, happy, humble, hellacious, hermit, handy, high, hairless, hindu, hobo, homeless, hillbilly, hippie
inspired, ill-tempered, injured, inventor, interested, introverted, idiotic, ignorant, intelligent, infantile, inlisted
jaundiced, journalist, juggalo, jealous, judgemental, jewish, janitor
killer, kid-at-heart, kamikaze, krsna conscious
loving, lobbyist, listless, lethargic, lesbian, loser, lustful, lingering, loitering
murderer, master-minding, manic, mormon, mod, monk, marine, mechanic, meat eater, mercantile, musician, muslim
nocturnal, nude, normal, nick-named, nazi, neglegent, numb
on-to-you, orthorexic, open-minded, odd, old, otaku, omniscient, omnivour
pothead, proud, pregnant, pig-headed, passionate, prophet, powerful, president, present, punk, pretentious, police officer, painter, pierced, programmer, perceptive, pagan, poor
qualified, quaker, questioning, questionable, queer, quack, quick-(insert past tense here or use by itself)
recruited, reborn, racist, relentless, resiliant, radical, rastafarian, real, righteous, redneck, rich
smooth, slick, smothering, smoker, steadfast, stagnent, silent, super-hero, swami, servile, sexy, stubborn, senile, sexually-active, ska, shallow, schizophrenic, shaman, single, straight, straightedge, strong, strung-out, social, socialist, skinny, scientologist, scientist, sentient, sad
talkative, taoist, tatooed, thief, tourmented, theologist, tripped-out, tan, two faced, tainted, transgendered, tantric
universalist, unitarian, ugly, un-(insert any of these words or others here) for that which they are not
vagrant, violent, vibrant, vacuous, vivacious, vampire, vegen, vegetarian, vedic
witty, wrathful, wicked, waiting, wondering, wandering, with you, weak, wired, weird, wizard, well-(insert past tense here) whimisical, wallflower, wiccan
x-(insert word here) as theyve moved onto something else
yogic, yellow-bellied, yuppie
zit-faced, zombie, zoological, zoroastrian
without word or warning
and more often then not
with no true purpose
and little effort
and rarely stick with it till the end
unless they get stuck in a phase
which is the worst thing to do
as we only grow through change
but we are still
all the same thing
often only effects of cause
create these changes
and we slip as easy out as in
So tell me, friends, what is one word to sum up the current phase that the time frame has you stuck in? I shall add it to the list if it is not there. Current Mood: tired
I would like to return to a simpler time
possibly a few years back
which I could rewind to
to insure things
played out differently
but that isnt possible
and I dont feel it right of me
to lament that things went how they did
I think whats meant to happen
and we cant change the past
but have infinite control over the future
I just had some odd dreams lately
dreamed of being a zombie for the second time
I cut my hand deeply today
but it healed miraculously fast
Im tired of living in dreams
want reality to resemble their beauty
last night I was driving a fancy car
full of beautiful women
who were complimenting me
running their hands through my flowing hair
then I woke up
and realized I was shave headed
but I think its teaching me to look for beauty within
rather than always hide behind my hair
people have called me "weird" all my life
I think its "weird" that they strive to be normal
friends try to give me relationship advice
K says : "all youve gotta do is do something outside of the box of what youd normally do,
just go up to a random girl and introduce yourself"
M says : "you can get laid in the next 2 weeks just as easily as me, I have faith in you"
A says : "the ladies will never understand you until you take the bipolar meds like I do"
I mean, I dont think I -need- to be in a relationship....
too much loneliness just makes the mind play tricks on itself.
Ill be patient, Im not looking for some random fuck
I am looking for someone who is marriage material
somebody who truely is the right person
Right now I understand everyone
no one understands me
I think ive just gotta meet a girl whose just as insane as I
sometimes I wonder if I truely am too "weird" for anyone to want to be with.
I dont like to think that way though, thats negative and destructive
I should be more positive, and focalize on things less stressfull
women only lead to our corruption anyway, I shouldnt be so ruled by passion
and Id say there is a huge difference between passion and goodness.
Work was entirely too frustrating today.
I smashed a pizza on accident delivering it.
cut my hand deeply on a sink's corner while mopping.
started getting annoyed of my coworkers attitudes(my evening coworkers that is)
I felt stupid, worthless, etc ; but now I feel well
woo...cant wait to spend a whole day in their tomorrow...
Despite the day that had me so agitated
I feel excellent now after a full meal
Im gonna start listing my improv recipe ingredients
(but not how to cook it, because then you could all cheat)
tonights consisted of:
and it was good....
ive got so many things to look forward to.
and enough work between them and me
to make it go by swiftly Current Mood: mellow
|Wednesday, September 13th, 2006|
Did my homework on the chiropractor I was about to go see, and it turns out he had his liscence revoked for malpractice. Im thinkin Im not going to see the chiropractor anymore.
In other news, I tried to trade my truck in today and was merely depressed with the offers pointed my way. First off, the truck is in great condition with only 105k miles and a '97. Something I was offered for a "straight trade" was about a '93 pontiac with 122,000 , grinding breaks, weird sounding engine, and interior torn to shit. I just had to kinda chuckle at the guy and he said "yeah, I dont want you to trade a nice running truck for a shitty car either".
This made that '95 cougar SE with 81k miles in "near perfect" condition as the guy stated to seem like more of a straight trade than it did when I first heard of it.
And there was still that one guy who pulled up behind me when I was about to look at trades and said hed call me tomorrow, but he didnt write down the number and said he "remembered it" so I strongly doubt he is still planning on it.
The mercedes in pristine condition with 149,000 even seems like a better value at this point.
Anyone got any better ideas of stuff to trade me? please let me know.
New job should start when I get back from mexico.
13-25 - deliver pizzas 6 days a week and be paid english language partner on sundays
25th - interview @ 4:00 pm @ HEC
27th - shave head smooth(always wanted to be smooth, havent yet tried)
28th - mexico
2nd - back from mexico
3rd - start new job // work at old job , depending on how things go.
4th - put bigger holes in my ears; if new job permits
5-10 - rent out place downtown, if working new job
10-30 - attend more righteous events, as not working weekends implies
31st - Halloween
1st - court date @ 1:30 pm
2nd - ?
Warning: My interests collage borders on being a porno mag. Not suitable for people under 18:( My Interests Collage!Collapse )
|Monday, September 11th, 2006|
Ive taken some words to heart
and finally I think I realize
that we have to live in the moment
jump on the great oppurtunities
before its too late
so that we never regret
so we dont have to forget
cuz Ive spent too much time
and too much money
on tryin to forget
no use bein sad
no use bein mad
I find as I get older
Im better at keeping appointments
and I feel much less scatterbrained
but is that me getting more sane or less?
I dont know, but I cant really care
sanity is in the eye of the beholder
and I believe sanity to be a hoax
to begin with, something so people
can think they are better than others
I dont want to think me better than nobody
Im ready to relax, Im done doin what I do best
time to find a new thing to occupy my time
time to realign my spine, find a new ride
time to give peace a chance
but alas, Im finally too tired to dance
Ive partied hard enough and long enough
Ive partied as much as people twice my age
and never really found what I was lookin for
if I ever knew exactly what that is/was
its time to throw false goals aside
and concentrate on that which
is really eating me from the inside
it all goes in loops, same ol problems
all over again, and its time to stop it
its time to end this downward spiral
someone has to take initial action
and why shouldnt it be me?
Im ready to free my soul
from the cell I call a body
ready to join eternal thought stream
ready to love and be loved by all
in the place beyond this realm
only land us in hell
only one can judge me Current Mood: calm
|Friday, September 8th, 2006|
anywhere, anyhow, but I cant, because Ive got work tomorrow.
another thing Im getting fed up with
I just want out of that place
once and for all
I want to start this new job
but everytime I talk about leaving
theyve all gotta guilt trip me into stayin
ive waited long enough.
Come October, Im out of there.
its one thing that Im gettin paid less than everyone else.
its an entirely different thing that I could be making so much more right now.
As soon as I start this new job i also want to move the fuck out of here
I want to forget that this damned town ever even existed.
I mean, no one here really understands/cares about me.
they all just nod their heads and pretend to listen.
and I guess Im just fed up with all of that.
I guess you could also say Ive been back to my old ways.
Too much stress has done it to me, Ive started partyin again.
I mean, fuck, I work all week, I should be entitled to some unwinding.
but even when I unwind, something is entirely missing.
all my associations are leaving me more alienated than ever.
even the ones Ive known for most or all of my life.
Goddamnit, is there any way out?
no one gets out alive.
death is the way out.
Its like when you are laying in bed
and no matter what way you turn
you are constantly uncomfortable
that is a metaphor for my life.
I had thought I made a breakthrough
I had thought I became sociable
but I am only more solitairy than ever.
then I ask myself;
would it be different anywhere else?
would I run into the same old problems?
would I find someone I truely connect with?
I dont know if its the drugs;
or the things lack of sex does to the male mind
but I am deffinatley going crazy
becoming more manic than ever
I desperatley seek something to be passionate about
so that the passion inside me doesnt die
and I dont become an empty shell of a person
why am I like this?
dont tell me to get professional help
because I wont.
|Monday, September 4th, 2006|
Sometimes I realize a little too much a little too fast.
We've got to take inspiration from everything around us.
Always to be where we are meant to be at the time we were meant to be there.
otherwise it messes it all up, it screws up the flow.
but I dont want to be the monster they all think I am.
so I choose not to take any of it too personally.
I cant help it if Im vacant and solemn;
animals are meant to speak only with their eyes.
to be living and dead and neither all at once.
I do not want to make it on the merits of my parents;
If Im going to be anything, Ill make it happen on my own.
If I fall, so shall I fall; for as long as people are without food on the table; I believe I should know what thats like. For as long as people cant afford further schooling; I believe I should know what thats like. I will not make it on the merits of my parents; I will do it for myself and for all those around me. Call it wasted oppurtunity; but I call it self reliance. I do not need others to make me complete; I need to fill in the gaps that others have left vacant. Sometimes I fuck up though, sometimes we all fuck up; and all we can really do is learn from those mistakes. I apologize only for learning the hard way. Its the only way I learn.
|Thursday, August 31st, 2006|
|new blog type thing
Im done with lj, if you really wanna read about how I feel from now on goto http://www.thespun.com
, and it will probably be somethin short and vague rather than intricate and too explainative, but still, hopefully a little more poetic in its construction than as obtrusive as thing has posed to be.